These days I often wonder where i would end up in the future. Whether i’ll be successful or unsuccessful? Whether everything i’ve worked for until now is useless. Whether i’ve been born to be a loser so that the winners can stand out. I wonder what happens to people like me? So far i haven’t seen anyone successful people that are similar to mine.
By the way, this is not one of my self-pitying post. I just want to express what i feel about some things. You see, even as a kid, i have always been cast aside no matter what activities they have going on. Where do i go wrong? Don’t most kids easily make friends? Yet, why am i a loner even as a kid? Is it because i’m not as pretty or as charming as the others, or if i really was just born with the talent of being invisible? I never know. What it irks me is that, no one ever gave me a chance to prove myself (as a kid, i mean cause i understand as you grow older you have to find your own chances). As a kid, i believe that if i worked hard enough, if i prayed hard enough, i might one day outshine them and let the people that looked down on me. They are all getting more and more successful, but i’m still stuck in a rut. Why? Why am i always losing? Even though i tried so hard? Am i just meant to keep losing to them?
Crap, this ended up as a self-pitying post anyway. I’m sorry for anyone that has to put up with me. But I’m going to keep moving forward, working as hard as i can to catch up to them and eventually overtake them. Even if i keep losing. I’m not going back to being a mess like i was last year. Even if until the end i wasn’t successful, there is a small but sad consolation that at least i’ve tried. Then, i can finally accept my fate as a loser. Until then, i’ll keep fighting against fate.
Tomorrow will be better.
I really have tried. I really tried to pass everyday optimistically although it is hard. But it is hard to do it when troubles are coming in from every single directions, even ones you don’t expect it to come out from.
And this pass month i have been losing a lot of sleep. To tell the truth, i have troubles sleeping since from two years ago. I have no idea how it started. I missed the days when i slept so well. But this past month, my insomnia got so much worse. I can literally not sleep for two days. It was so bad that i skip my lectures that day to lay on my bed, hoping to catch some sleep. This is because i’m afraid that i will faint because of exhaustion and end up in the hospital again . Or worst, faint and have no one know about it.
Today have been a very unproductive day since i can’t help but worry about certain stuff. It isn’t actually very serious but that I’m just so anxious about it that it effected my day and i ended up doing nothing. I really feel very pathetic now.
I’m really trying to do what’s right. I really am. I’m really trying to be a better person but it is so hard. I feel so horrible right now. And i can’t tell my parents, they are the last person i want to tell about how pathetic i am (hence, this blog that no one reads). I just want things to be okay. How long will it take for me to be okay again? How long will i feel so low?
I’m clinging on to the thought that everything that happened happens for a reason. Maybe it is to make me a better person, maybe it is to make me tougher and wiser. Some nights i count my blessing cause it helps me to get through the sleepless night and also the next day. I’m trying my best to think positively and i think the current me is not exactly in a good place, but I’m holding myself up better compared to the meltdown last year. So, maybe it is an improvement? I don’t know, there is still a long year ahead.
Tomorrow, i’ll try again.