I really have tried. I really tried to pass everyday optimistically although it is hard. But it is hard to do it when troubles are coming in from every single directions, even ones you don’t expect it to come out from.
And this pass month i have been losing a lot of sleep. To tell the truth, i have troubles sleeping since from two years ago. I have no idea how it started. I missed the days when i slept so well. But this past month, my insomnia got so much worse. I can literally not sleep for two days. It was so bad that i skip my lectures that day to lay on my bed, hoping to catch some sleep. This is because i’m afraid that i will faint because of exhaustion and end up in the hospital again . Or worst, faint and have no one know about it.
Today have been a very unproductive day since i can’t help but worry about certain stuff. It isn’t actually very serious but that I’m just so anxious about it that it effected my day and i ended up doing nothing. I really feel very pathetic now.
I’m really trying to do what’s right. I really am. I’m really trying to be a better person but it is so hard. I feel so horrible right now. And i can’t tell my parents, they are the last person i want to tell about how pathetic i am (hence, this blog that no one reads). I just want things to be okay. How long will it take for me to be okay again? How long will i feel so low?
I’m clinging on to the thought that everything that happened happens for a reason. Maybe it is to make me a better person, maybe it is to make me tougher and wiser. Some nights i count my blessing cause it helps me to get through the sleepless night and also the next day. I’m trying my best to think positively and i think the current me is not exactly in a good place, but I’m holding myself up better compared to the meltdown last year. So, maybe it is an improvement? I don’t know, there is still a long year ahead.
Tomorrow, i’ll try again.