Re: zero

I think it is time to pick myself up and gain the confidence i wished to have. Time to stop hating yourself for the mistakes you had done, stop self-pitying yourself. There are beautiful days ahead. Be strong. It is fine if you make mistakes. Remember why you are doing this in the first place. Be happy and live strong.

If you noticed, the title is from an anime call re: zero (Obviously lol). In the beginning, i thought it is the typical plot of falling into a fantasy world. But as i continue watching the show, it has so much deep meanings to it. How Subaru (main character) fall into despair because he realised he is powerless and helpless and how he finally comes to terms with himself with the help of other characters. The character development is superb and all characters have their own ideals  and depths. It’s not much of a love story (yet) but it plays with my emotions. It breaks my heart one moment and then heals and touches me in the next. If even Subaru is trying his best to to live the way he wants to, i see no reason why i should not.

 

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Subaru Natsuki: It was rough. It was so painful. I was so scared. I was so sad. It hurt so much, I thought I’d die. I tried so hard… I tired so hard! I was so desperate, so desperate to make everything right! It’s the truth. I’ve honestly never tried so hard at anything in my life! Because I loved this place… Because it was so important to me! I was so desperate to get back. I was scared… I was so scared! I didn’t want those eyes looking at me like that again… And I hated myself so much for feeling that way!

Rem: When you said that you hate yourself, it made me want to tell you all the wonderful things I know about you.

 

It’s time for me to start again.. from zero.

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Re: zero

A special day

Today i finally feel like i’m gonna be okay. For a long time, i have been feeling so down, so sad, helpless and sometimes depressing. Friends go and pass. Old friends that you thought   that have forgotten you might come back. Or they might not, but sometimes you just can’t help but keep hoping that one day it will happen. New friends may only stay for awhile or they may stay for a lifetime.

Today, i feel really loved by everyone. Thank you everyone for making me feel like i belonged somewhere. Thank you for giving me the warmth i haven’t felt in such a long time. You may think that today is just any ordinary day. But for me, today is one of those days that i really treasured, it reminds me of the reason why i have fought on so hard all these years which i sometimes forgot especially last month and the starting six days of this month which were especially painful time for me.

I may not have said it out loud, but i’m really thankful and grateful to all of you from the bottom of my heart.

 

Love you all.
A special day

Please help me

Please whoever that is controlling everything and everyone , if u ever care or know about me, please grant me this small wish. To protect my sanity that is really in a bad state now. Just one more time.  Please.

I know i am a selfish person. A weakling. To others, this might be just a small trouble but this has been troubling me for so long. I’m tired of battling the same troubles again and again. I’m really tired now. Please make it stop. This whole month i have been in a bad condition. Please stop it. Help me.

Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me

Please be kind to the weak and selfish me. Take away 5 years from my life if you have to.

Please help me

I don’t care anymore

I don’t care what any of you think about me anymore. Trying to pry when i said i don’t want to talk about it doesn’t make you sound like you care about me. You are actually trying to get something to gossip about me in the future isn’t it? Don’t say i’m paranoid. I can see it in your eyes, glimmering like a wolf about to pounce on its prey. So sorry to tell you, i have never fell for that trick. Thanks to my forever pessimistic mind, i have never told anybody anything truly personal about me. My thoughts or anything truly important to me.

Few are confused about what i am. Most just assumed whatever they want to, most of the time they assumed the worst. And the worst thing is, they will try to plant their horrible assumption of me on the others. And I can’t even defend myself because they won’t have the guts to say it out in front of me, but they will say it quietly as if it was a dirty secret shared among the group. As if they know really anything  about me. They don’t even know my hobbies. I used to mind what people think about me but this time, i’m just too tired to care. I feel so mentally tired that i don’t bother to even mingle with them anymore. After these few eventful months (that they know nothing about), i just want my days to pass as uneventful as possible. (which they obviously don’t get it).

I don’t think that it is a good thing that i don’t care about anything anymore. Because, most of the time i try my best to understand the people around me. Understand why they are what they are or understand why they did what they did. In fact, i usually try to understand people in and out, try to empathise more so that i don’t feel betrayed by my expectations of them.

Sadly, I can actually connect with Hachiman from Yahari Ore no Seishun (an anime in case u don’t know) on a lot of situations. Actually, i think i can relate myself to him too much which is not a really good thing, cause as much what he says makes perfect sense, he is more pessimistic and has a more twisted personality then i do. But he seems to be getting better with every episode so maybe i will get better too. But don’t get me wrong, i’m not one of those who thinks that being a loner is fine (or cool, to my disgust some people actually thinks so), i don’t think so. In fact, i think it is much better to have few nice and close friends.

 

It’s not empty words I’m after. There was something else I desired all along. Not mutual understanding, friendship, companionship, or anything of the sort. I don’t care about being understood. I simply wish to understand. Understand, know, and rest easy in that knowledge– gain some peace of mind. Wanting to know people inside-out because being in the dark terrifies me is an awfully self-indulgement, egoistic, and arrogant wish. It’s downright despicable and disgusting. Having a desire like that makes me sick to the stomach! But if it’s at all possible to share that desire– if it’s possible to have a relationship where you’re free to burden one another with that repulsive self-gratification…I know that it’s out of the question! I know that it’s out of my reach! Even so!” Even so, I… I want something genuine. ~Hikigaya Hachiman.

 

 

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A lone warrior surviving hundreds of battles, when it comes to losing, I’m the strongest.       ~Hikigaya Hachiman

I’ll do better tomorrow.

I don’t care anymore

My family loves me and that is what i should focus on. Not all the other malicious feeling directed to me. They shouldn’t  matter to me. I have to keep moving on and not look back. If not, i’ll be lost in the dark hole memories of my past mistakes. For my family that fully supports me whatever huge mistakes i did, i will improve myself to be a better person and a person worthy of the supports you all have shown me. I’ll persevere .

It will get better. (i hope)