A special day

Today i finally feel like i’m gonna be okay. For a long time, i have been feeling so down, so sad, helpless and sometimes depressing. Friends go and pass. Old friends that you thought   that have forgotten you might come back. Or they might not, but sometimes you just can’t help but keep hoping that one day it will happen. New friends may only stay for awhile or they may stay for a lifetime.

Today, i feel really loved by everyone. Thank you everyone for making me feel like i belonged somewhere. Thank you for giving me the warmth i haven’t felt in such a long time. You may think that today is just any ordinary day. But for me, today is one of those days that i really treasured, it reminds me of the reason why i have fought on so hard all these years which i sometimes forgot especially last month and the starting six days of this month which were especially painful time for me.

I may not have said it out loud, but i’m really thankful and grateful to all of you from the bottom of my heart.

 

Love you all.
A special day

Please help me

Please whoever that is controlling everything and everyone , if u ever care or know about me, please grant me this small wish. To protect my sanity that is really in a bad state now. Just one more time.  Please.

I know i am a selfish person. A weakling. To others, this might be just a small trouble but this has been troubling me for so long. I’m tired of battling the same troubles again and again. I’m really tired now. Please make it stop. This whole month i have been in a bad condition. Please stop it. Help me.

Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me

Please be kind to the weak and selfish me. Take away 5 years from my life if you have to.

Please help me

I don’t care anymore

I don’t care what any of you think about me anymore. Trying to pry when i said i don’t want to talk about it doesn’t make you sound like you care about me. You are actually trying to get something to gossip about me in the future isn’t it? Don’t say i’m paranoid. I can see it in your eyes, glimmering like a wolf about to pounce on its prey. So sorry to tell you, i have never fell for that trick. Thanks to my forever pessimistic mind, i have never told anybody anything truly personal about me. My thoughts or anything truly important to me.

Few are confused about what i am. Most just assumed whatever they want to, most of the time they assumed the worst. And the worst thing is, they will try to plant their horrible assumption of me on the others. And I can’t even defend myself because they won’t have the guts to say it out in front of me, but they will say it quietly as if it was a dirty secret shared among the group. As if they know really anything  about me. They don’t even know my hobbies. I used to mind what people think about me but this time, i’m just too tired to care. I feel so mentally tired that i don’t bother to even mingle with them anymore. After these few eventful months (that they know nothing about), i just want my days to pass as uneventful as possible. (which they obviously don’t get it).

I don’t think that it is a good thing that i don’t care about anything anymore. Because, most of the time i try my best to understand the people around me. Understand why they are what they are or understand why they did what they did. In fact, i usually try to understand people in and out, try to empathise more so that i don’t feel betrayed by my expectations of them.

Sadly, I can actually connect with Hachiman from Yahari Ore no Seishun (an anime in case u don’t know) on a lot of situations. Actually, i think i can relate myself to him too much which is not a really good thing, cause as much what he says makes perfect sense, he is more pessimistic and has a more twisted personality then i do. But he seems to be getting better with every episode so maybe i will get better too. But don’t get me wrong, i’m not one of those who thinks that being a loner is fine (or cool, to my disgust some people actually thinks so), i don’t think so. In fact, i think it is much better to have few nice and close friends.

 

It’s not empty words I’m after. There was something else I desired all along. Not mutual understanding, friendship, companionship, or anything of the sort. I don’t care about being understood. I simply wish to understand. Understand, know, and rest easy in that knowledge– gain some peace of mind. Wanting to know people inside-out because being in the dark terrifies me is an awfully self-indulgement, egoistic, and arrogant wish. It’s downright despicable and disgusting. Having a desire like that makes me sick to the stomach! But if it’s at all possible to share that desire– if it’s possible to have a relationship where you’re free to burden one another with that repulsive self-gratification…I know that it’s out of the question! I know that it’s out of my reach! Even so!” Even so, I… I want something genuine. ~Hikigaya Hachiman.

 

 

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A lone warrior surviving hundreds of battles, when it comes to losing, I’m the strongest.       ~Hikigaya Hachiman

I’ll do better tomorrow.

I don’t care anymore

My family loves me and that is what i should focus on. Not all the other malicious feeling directed to me. They shouldn’t  matter to me. I have to keep moving on and not look back. If not, i’ll be lost in the dark hole memories of my past mistakes. For my family that fully supports me whatever huge mistakes i did, i will improve myself to be a better person and a person worthy of the supports you all have shown me. I’ll persevere .

It will get better. (i hope)

Warning: Angry Rant

Fuck you!! This week haven’t been the best of weeks i have had. In fact, it was in the top 5 worst weeks of my life. Everything has gone horribly wrong and you have just triggered the bomb. I knew you weren’t a good person, in fact i know very well what type of ugly person you are, just someone who are manipulative as fuck. In my years as a loner, i have seen many of your type. They are the worst people around. Your type spread lies around, making them sound like the truth, all the while pretending like you are innocent.

You first spread horrible rumours about X, making others believe you and started to isolate X too. Do you even know how lonely and painful it is to be isolated? Do you know what it is to have a group of people you called as friends and the next moment they started to ignore you and started to keep you out of all their activities? Do you know people can get depressed from that and suicidal thoughts can sprout from that? Yeah, i agree that X can be sometimes a little rude (to me it sounds refreshing and honest, not a bit rude at all) but it is not that much that you can just spread baseless rumours about her.

For a while, I’m the only one talking to X. Then, you started saying around that i take X’s side and try to make the others turn against me too which thank god didn’t happen. I just only stand for what i think is right. Without friends, i can survive. In fact, i have survived so long without them. You can’t hurt me like that. But for X, it is different. You spread rumours about her, ridicule her and lastly told her to change when all she sincerely wants is to have some friends in the university and not play your nasty mind games. And for the record, the only person that needs to change is you. If you think you can make everyone stop talking to X, you are mistaken. She will always have a friend in me.

Lastly, do you think you can use me and after that throw me away like some second-rate friend that isn’t worth your attention and i won’t retaliate. If so, you’re wrong, i can be very petty and i hold grudges although i don’t look like it. Friends, i don’t have as much as you. Money, i don’t have that much as you too. I can’t talk as well as you (in fact I’m painfully socially awkward) hence i won’t win you in an argument too which is why I’m not that stupid as to confront you. But if there is something i learned in my years of observing people as a loner, is that one day you will really need me and i won’t be the bigger person and I will be unreachable. Now i just need to bid for that time to come.

You are just a bully. A bully that ridicules others to make themselves feel better. I don’t know if you know that, but i do know something. I hate you from the bottom of my heart.

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And you are one of them losers
Warning: Angry Rant