I don’t care what any of you think about me anymore. Trying to pry when i said i don’t want to talk about it doesn’t make you sound like you care about me. You are actually trying to get something to gossip about me in the future isn’t it? Don’t say i’m paranoid. I can see it in your eyes, glimmering like a wolf about to pounce on its prey. So sorry to tell you, i have never fell for that trick. Thanks to my forever pessimistic mind, i have never told anybody anything truly personal about me. My thoughts or anything truly important to me.
Few are confused about what i am. Most just assumed whatever they want to, most of the time they assumed the worst. And the worst thing is, they will try to plant their horrible assumption of me on the others. And I can’t even defend myself because they won’t have the guts to say it out in front of me, but they will say it quietly as if it was a dirty secret shared among the group. As if they know really anything about me. They don’t even know my hobbies. I used to mind what people think about me but this time, i’m just too tired to care. I feel so mentally tired that i don’t bother to even mingle with them anymore. After these few eventful months (that they know nothing about), i just want my days to pass as uneventful as possible. (which they obviously don’t get it).
I don’t think that it is a good thing that i don’t care about anything anymore. Because, most of the time i try my best to understand the people around me. Understand why they are what they are or understand why they did what they did. In fact, i usually try to understand people in and out, try to empathise more so that i don’t feel betrayed by my expectations of them.
Sadly, I can actually connect with Hachiman from Yahari Ore no Seishun (an anime in case u don’t know) on a lot of situations. Actually, i think i can relate myself to him too much which is not a really good thing, cause as much what he says makes perfect sense, he is more pessimistic and has a more twisted personality then i do. But he seems to be getting better with every episode so maybe i will get better too. But don’t get me wrong, i’m not one of those who thinks that being a loner is fine (or cool, to my disgust some people actually thinks so), i don’t think so. In fact, i think it is much better to have few nice and close friends.
It’s not empty words I’m after. There was something else I desired all along. Not mutual understanding, friendship, companionship, or anything of the sort. I don’t care about being understood. I simply wish to understand. Understand, know, and rest easy in that knowledge– gain some peace of mind. Wanting to know people inside-out because being in the dark terrifies me is an awfully self-indulgement, egoistic, and arrogant wish. It’s downright despicable and disgusting. Having a desire like that makes me sick to the stomach! But if it’s at all possible to share that desire– if it’s possible to have a relationship where you’re free to burden one another with that repulsive self-gratification…I know that it’s out of the question! I know that it’s out of my reach! Even so!” Even so, I… I want something genuine. ~Hikigaya Hachiman.
A lone warrior surviving hundreds of battles, when it comes to losing, I’m the strongest. ~Hikigaya Hachiman
I’ll do better tomorrow.