Today, i went to volunteer to teach refugee kids . In the beginning, i thought it would be a bad idea as i wasn’t really good with kids (i am not good people in general lol). But, these kid really change my perspective in life for the better. I was assigned to teach 3 kids, Amelia(i think? I am really bad at memorizing names), Elina and Lydia who are 12, 11 and 10 years old respectively. The kids are very lively and very eager to learn. Which warms my heart and makes it easier for me to teach them. Volunteering there makes me realise that many kids (in my country, at least) have taken for granted the right to have an education. They never took the education given to them seriously and just throw away carelessly the education which to others, is a luxury.
The kids i taught are passionate and have ambitions in life. Amelia wants to be an accountant, Elina wants to be a singer and Lydia want to be a king in a palace (remember she is just a 10 year old kid XD). They are refugees, but i see that they have more hopes and dreams compared to me. It makes me reflect on myself. Especially when they ask me what do i want to do in the future. I was caught off guard and sadly i have no answer for them cause i have been living aimlessly for a long time now. This 2 hours of volunteer evoke a lot of emotions that i haven’t felt for a long time. If there is another chance, i would like to continue doing this volunteer job again.
I pray that they will each one day be able to do the things that they love. As refugees, their life will definitely rougher than what many could imagine because they don’t have as much privilege as being a citizen of a country. I don’t know if it is possible but i want them to keep holding on to their dreams no matter how hard life can be. I don’t want them to become an adult like me who are so bitter in life but to keep on living with a heart full of hope.
At the end of the 2 hours of teaching, they say thank you to me. But, in truth, i should be the one thanking them. Thank you for teaching me things i have long forgotten, thank you for convincing me that the world isn’t as bad as it seem, that there are still good people like you guys. When you kids grow up, remember to be kind, to live happily and healthily.
These days I often wonder where i would end up in the future. Whether i’ll be successful or unsuccessful? Whether everything i’ve worked for until now is useless. Whether i’ve been born to be a loser so that the winners can stand out. I wonder what happens to people like me? So far i haven’t seen anyone successful people that are similar to mine.
By the way, this is not one of my self-pitying post. I just want to express what i feel about some things. You see, even as a kid, i have always been cast aside no matter what activities they have going on. Where do i go wrong? Don’t most kids easily make friends? Yet, why am i a loner even as a kid? Is it because i’m not as pretty or as charming as the others, or if i really was just born with the talent of being invisible? I never know. What it irks me is that, no one ever gave me a chance to prove myself (as a kid, i mean cause i understand as you grow older you have to find your own chances). As a kid, i believe that if i worked hard enough, if i prayed hard enough, i might one day outshine them and let the people that looked down on me. They are all getting more and more successful, but i’m still stuck in a rut. Why? Why am i always losing? Even though i tried so hard? Am i just meant to keep losing to them?
Crap, this ended up as a self-pitying post anyway. I’m sorry for anyone that has to put up with me. But I’m going to keep moving forward, working as hard as i can to catch up to them and eventually overtake them. Even if i keep losing. I’m not going back to being a mess like i was last year. Even if until the end i wasn’t successful, there is a small but sad consolation that at least i’ve tried. Then, i can finally accept my fate as a loser. Until then, i’ll keep fighting against fate.
Tomorrow will be better.
I am still lacking in many things. But now, i think that i’m finally getting somewhere.(Hope this doesn’t jinx it XD). Hope that i’ll get better and better in time. Live well, everyone.
I really have tried. I really tried to pass everyday optimistically although it is hard. But it is hard to do it when troubles are coming in from every single directions, even ones you don’t expect it to come out from.
And this pass month i have been losing a lot of sleep. To tell the truth, i have troubles sleeping since from two years ago. I have no idea how it started. I missed the days when i slept so well. But this past month, my insomnia got so much worse. I can literally not sleep for two days. It was so bad that i skip my lectures that day to lay on my bed, hoping to catch some sleep. This is because i’m afraid that i will faint because of exhaustion and end up in the hospital again . Or worst, faint and have no one know about it.
Today have been a very unproductive day since i can’t help but worry about certain stuff. It isn’t actually very serious but that I’m just so anxious about it that it effected my day and i ended up doing nothing. I really feel very pathetic now.
I’m really trying to do what’s right. I really am. I’m really trying to be a better person but it is so hard. I feel so horrible right now. And i can’t tell my parents, they are the last person i want to tell about how pathetic i am (hence, this blog that no one reads). I just want things to be okay. How long will it take for me to be okay again? How long will i feel so low?
I’m clinging on to the thought that everything that happened happens for a reason. Maybe it is to make me a better person, maybe it is to make me tougher and wiser. Some nights i count my blessing cause it helps me to get through the sleepless night and also the next day. I’m trying my best to think positively and i think the current me is not exactly in a good place, but I’m holding myself up better compared to the meltdown last year. So, maybe it is an improvement? I don’t know, there is still a long year ahead.
Tomorrow, i’ll try again.
although it is now the middle of January, there are some resolutions i want to make:
- Be strong. Move forward. Stop being afraid of everything and stop avoiding things that you are afraid of (you will still have to face it one day).
- Breathe. Move on from past mistakes. No one can change the past but there are ways to compensate on it.
- Smile more. Stop neglecting yourself. Stop wallowing in self-pity.
- Remember that even if you have no true friends and all of them have their own agendas with you, there still is your family who loves you.
- I am definitely getting back on my feet.
Tomorrow will be better.
I hate doing group assignments because of all the dramas that come with it. Why can’t people just behave properly even just for the sake of the damn assignment. Learn how to communicate guys. There has been a serious communication breakdown in my group of friends because of a group assignment. It started off with a small misunderstanding that later explodes like World War 3. Why it happens? It’s because one side don’t want to say that they are unhappy with the way the the other side is doing the assignment yet choose not to voice out and the other side don’t want to explain what they are doing. Oh my god!!! Why can’t some people just talk it out like civilised people? Angry people should go cool down themselves before saying anything because what you say now can’t be taken back. And i tell you there is a lot of bad blood afterwards. They said a lot of ugly things about each other that they normally wouldn’t say and obviously our friendship ( which i know would not last long anyway) suffers.
I hate involving myself in such meddlesome things. So annoying and pointless. *seriously feeling extremely annoyed now*
I think it is time to pick myself up and gain the confidence i wished to have. Time to stop hating yourself for the mistakes you had done, stop self-pitying yourself. There are beautiful days ahead. Be strong. It is fine if you make mistakes. Remember why you are doing this in the first place. Be happy and live strong.
If you noticed, the title is from an anime call re: zero (Obviously lol). In the beginning, i thought it is the typical plot of falling into a fantasy world. But as i continue watching the show, it has so much deep meanings to it. How Subaru (main character) fall into despair because he realised he is powerless and helpless and how he finally comes to terms with himself with the help of other characters. The character development is superb and all characters have their own ideals and depths. It’s not much of a love story (yet) but it plays with my emotions. It breaks my heart one moment and then heals and touches me in the next. If even Subaru is trying his best to to live the way he wants to, i see no reason why i should not.
Subaru Natsuki: It was rough. It was so painful. I was so scared. I was so sad. It hurt so much, I thought I’d die. I tried so hard… I tired so hard! I was so desperate, so desperate to make everything right! It’s the truth. I’ve honestly never tried so hard at anything in my life! Because I loved this place… Because it was so important to me! I was so desperate to get back. I was scared… I was so scared! I didn’t want those eyes looking at me like that again… And I hated myself so much for feeling that way!
Rem: When you said that you hate yourself, it made me want to tell you all the wonderful things I know about you.
It’s time for me to start again.. from zero.